


Your heart is closed up (and I feel like I'm not in there)

by lemonsatangs (sungjong)



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-04-30 14:41:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5167619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sungjong/pseuds/lemonsatangs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sungyeol makes excuses. Myungsoo tries to deal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your heart is closed up (and I feel like I'm not in there)

**Author's Note:**

> Someday I will learn to write something longer than 500 words.  
> (This is a repost of a very old fic.)

Sungyeol never told anyone. The moment after he first kissed him, he whispered “nobody can know,” and Myungsoo pulled him towards his bed because all that mattered in that moment was Sungyeol’s lips on his, so Sungyeol took that as an agreement. 

They don’t hug or hold hands in public, and their dates feature old films on Sungyeol’s laptop and inexpensive takeout in the safety of their shared apartment. Myungsoo had initially been so elated to finally have what he’d wanted for so long, to finally have _Sungyeol_ , but the thrill of the secret and the excitement of their beginning days wore off, and Myungsoo begins to feel suffocated. 

“I don’t want anything to happen to us,” Sungyeol says without looking at him. Myungsoo takes it as an “I don’t want anything to happen to me,” and trains his eyes back on the movie and tries to forget. 

Sometimes Myungsoo will catch Sungyeol’s eye from across a lecture hall, and before he can wave him over, Sungyeol averts his gaze and sits at the front. For the rest of class, Myungsoo can’t draw his attention away from the back of the head that never turns towards him.

If Myungsoo lets his hands linger on Sungyeol for a beat too long, Sungyeol will flinch and shrug him off, leaving Myungsoo feeling hollow for the remainder of the day. 

Sungyeol only kisses him in the dark of the night, when there’s no one but the two of them, but the delight Myungsoo initially felt at that thought is starting to fade. 

Sungyeol won’t stop himself from flirting with girls at parties while Myungsoo zones in and out of the stories Dongwoo tells him, trying not to stare at the boy nobody knows he loves. He attempts to ignore the steady increase of hastily written phone numbers piling up on Sungyeol’s bedside table, and struggles to convince himself that this hurts less than unrequited love. 

More than once, they come home falling over each other, drunk, laughing, happy, and when Myungsoo pushes Sungyeol against their front door and leans in, Sungyeol lets himself slip and presses back eagerly. But Sungyeol always jerks away too early and leaves Myungsoo standing alone in the cold November air. He can’t bring himself to move until warm hands, hurried apologies, and a promise that Sungyeol will make it up to him guide him indoors. 

Sometimes, the weight of it all crushes Myungsoo and Sungyeol whispers _I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry it’s for the best it’s so we’ll be safe I’m sorry_ while rubbing circles on his back and Myungsoo shakes and curls in tighter and tries to go to a reality in which he can believe Sungyeol’s “I love yous.” 

When Myungsoo thinks he’s finally had enough and begins to distance himself, Sungyeol lets his hands find Myungsoo’s on the empty bus ride home. Something flutters in his chest and while Myungsoo has been hurt by the boy who loves him, he understands that this is Sungyeol trying, so he grips his fingers a little tighter and hopes.


End file.
